so, yesterday i went through this blog & locked about a hundred old posts, i.e most of my old spn stuff. i’d been holding off doing it because i’m still proud of the amount of time & effort i used to put into meta essays, even the ones that were completely batshit. but when i looked through them yesterday i didn’t feel like i was reading about a t.v show; i was reading my teenage psyche, as it was at a difficult time of my life. i found them painful to look at. i also found myself cringing at the bossy knowledgeable tone i often took, as well as choice bits of implicit social commentary. i’ve grown more sensitive & well-informed since then, as one would certainly hope would happen between the ages of fifteen & nineteen.
i’m grateful for the audience that writing about supernatural gave me, & i’ve met some lovely people through this blog. i also haven’t actually stopped talking about supernatural on here, but this is not a fandom blog anymore, & if i’d known how far this page would move away from its original purpose after i started writing here again i would probably have let it be & started again somewhere else. frequently terrible writing aside, the main reason i finally took down my old VS posts was because i felt like the ghost of my fifteen-year-old self was still halfway controlling this page, almost drowning me out with that desperately self-serious academic voice of hers, & it was stopping me from writing. this is no longer a blog about only one thing.
i don’t expect anyone to be too upset, although i do expect my stats to halve, as i’m pretty sure those posts still brought in an embarrassing amount of my viewers. i’m not posting this to justify deleting a ton of four-year-old bullshit from my own page. it just made me a little bit sad, because those shitty old posts were a surprisingly clear window onto how my mind used to work, back when writing was my only real crutch, & now i’m doing the thing where you listen to ludovico einaudi & Reflect on the Past whilst ruminatively sipping tea.
also, i may not be the same person who started this blog, but i’m the admin & i can do what i want. sorry, past self, & maybe try starting that novel you’ve been thinking through, eh?